I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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