I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
