Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
