I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the liver wants what the liver wants
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize