It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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