I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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