Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
