I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
