I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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