The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
