Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
