I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
