Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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