4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
