dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
