You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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