i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
