i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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