dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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