EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
