im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
