I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
