Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
