i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
