i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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