I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
