Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
