i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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