He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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