paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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