i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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