loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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