My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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