dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
