drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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