he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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