Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
