if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
