Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize