I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
