Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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