Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
