At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
