You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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