The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
