I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize