Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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