this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize