Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
As shirtless as possible
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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