so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Randomize
