I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
