i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
