Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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