apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How external is "for external use only"?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
