Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
