ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
